There’s always this month that I feel particularly upset. It used to be April because I would remember best moments of my life and it would make me sad. This year, it was different
This past month has been very much alike. I’m grieving. I’m grieving for a loss that has yet to happen, but I am grieving none the less.
In retrospect it was kinda beautiful to see this transition, but all the more painful to know it might be over soon. I grew a beard and returned to the depts of my mind. I shut down and felt something I hadn’t felt in years. I’ve been through this before, but I was 7 when I lost my grandfather. I knew what was going on but it wasn’t real to me. This on the other hand is frighteningly real. And I’ve reacted the only ways I’ve ever known how. But all the while, I have had support in ways I couldn’t even put into words. I knew it was okay to act irrationally and to let myself go because she would still be there when I came to my senses. Grief brought us closer still.
My only wish would be for my grandmother not to leave, but I know what kind of life she would live if I got what I wanted. I made a decision that I didn’t want to see her this way, I do not regret it.
One day soon, my grief will fade and I will get a phone call that will end this entire process. I don’t look forward to it - knowing what it will cost me to not grieve anymore. But life moves on. I just think I needed this month. I needed to stop and feel this. Because death happens all the time and people expect for you to move on with the living. We all know that’s bull. A part of us dies too. And I just want to understand what I am losing before I actually lose it for good.
I shaved my beard because I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders yesterday. I know this isn’t over and I can just as easily be throwing myself into my work to distract me - but that’s the only way I know how. How to accept. How to grieve. How to exist in a world without a family member.
It’s a process. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But I also know what will eventually happen. I realize what has to happen, and eventually I will learn to move on. But just for now, I like my quiet bubble. I like thinking and I need time.
All in due time I think